fuck your aforementioned shoe
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
