just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
