I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
