So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
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