my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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