you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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