I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
