I CAN MOONWALK!
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
