Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize
