I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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