i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize
