just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Randomize
