If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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