areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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