Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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