Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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