I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
