ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
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Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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