I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
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