once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Sober January is a disaster.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
