I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
