I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
