brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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