I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
