How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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