Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
