I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
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