i would punch a child for taco bell
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
