All I know is that if italians start TIME TRAVELLING were all in a lot of trouble paizon
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
