I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize