I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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