Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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