you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Randomize
