Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
