Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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