the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
