so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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