Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize