I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
