i wish starbucks made bloody marys
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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