my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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