when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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