Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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