I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
