And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Is it penis luge time yet?
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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