yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
