Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
