Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Randomize
