he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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