I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
