apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
