Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize