Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
