I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
