Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
