My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
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