my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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