So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
