My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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