Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
