Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Randomize
