what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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