Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I touched a dick in church today
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
